Aristotle once said, "Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all." As teachers, Jeff and I can definitely relate to this. Having a good relationship with a student and understanding that student's struggles and motives and other issues of the heart can better help us teach the mind. Likewise, as Jeff and I seek education regarding adoption, time and time again, we realize that not only must our mindset change and expand, but our hearts must be transformed through this process. Adoption is a heart-issue and that's why God loves it so much!
Last weekend, Jeff and I attended a two-day adoption training sponsored by our agency. I know this sounds cliche, but we left different people from when we arrived. On the first day of the training we did an activity where we explored the emotions of all three parties in an adoption. Yes, there are three groups of people who participate in an adoption and no one part is more important than the other. Everyone deserves to be heard and understood and accommodated. The adoptive family is one part of the circle. Yet, Jeff and I are not the only part and when we make decisions or have a vision of how we want this adoption to go, we need to consider two other very important groups: the baby and the expectant mother (and sometimes father).
When we drove down to Richmond last Friday morning, we thought we wanted a semi-open adoption. We would correspond with the birthmother/birthparents through letters via the agency. She wouldn't know where we lived, we wouldn't know where she lived, and we would never meet again. Okay, so it sounds selfish now that I write it down, but Jeff and I had some serious concerns about having a completely open adoption: Will it be confusing for the child? Will the child understand that Jeff and I are mom and dad and that this other lady is the birthmother? What if she wants the baby back? What if she wants to help us parent? We had real concerns, but we were forgetting her feelings.
No matter who you are in the adoption circle, adoptive family, baby, or birthmother, you experience loss. Adoption begins with loss. At the hospital, if we are blessed with the experience of being there, we all will experience loss. Jeff and I have lost the ability to have biological children, and while we know that God's plan for us is adoption and while we are so overwhelmed with excitement to meet our child in the near future, we have experienced loss. The baby will experience a loss of his or her birthmother. Our child will have questions and concerns as he or she grows up because of that loss sustained on their birth-day in the hospital. But perhaps greatest of all, the birthmother will experience the loss of a child, and if Jeff and I hadn't changed our thinking, she might possibly never see that child again.
Imagine this: for the greater part of nine months you walk into the grocery store to have people congratulate you on your pregnancy, people ask when your shower is or if you're getting the nursery ready. People at work ask how long you plan to stay home with the baby. Yet, that's all misplaced happiness. People expect you to be happy about your pregnancy, but you're in crisis mode. In today's world, abortions seem commonplace, but you just can't bring yourself to do that to your child. Because, despite the circumstances, you love your baby. You decide to make an adoption plan.
Think about the love that woman shows toward that baby by stepping into the adoption agency, answering tough and extremely intimate and personal questions, and still making the decision to create an adoption plan. And after all that, we expect her to be satisfied with a few pictures and a letter once a year? We expect her to heal and cope and recover from a distance. We don't want to get our hands dirty or get in an uncomfortable situation.
But what an opportunity we have to grieve all of our losses together. If we could have a relationship with the birthmother, imagine when our child does have questions, "Why didn't she want me?" "Why did she give me up?"imagine just how powerful it will be for the child to hear from his or her birthmother's mouth, "I didn't give you up; I did want you. I love you so much." That is healing. That is powerful.
Jeff and I left the training with a changed prayer. Our prayer now is that the birthmother would want to have a relationship with us. We hope that we can meet with her a few times a year. We pray that our child will know her and associate her name with love. We vow to honor her in our home. We want her to see the love of Jesus in us, and through love, we hope to minister to her.
Now the agency did mention that if the birthmother is not in a place where she can have a relationship or if visiting with her would negatively impact the child, that our social worker would suggest that we just communicate via the agency. They also stressed that it wasn't co-parenting and that our child will 100% know who mom and dad are. The benefits of having an open adoption outweigh the risks, and we are praying that we get the opportunity to experience it.
We left the training feeling so encouraged. On day one, a counselor spoke about grief. He talked about infertility and loss and he even shared his own story. He and his wife suffered through four miscarriages, two resulted in still-births. After years of struggling, they decided to adopt. They adopted twin boys who were born 2 months too early. Their combined weight was less than five pounds. Today, those boys are both United States Marines and are 6'4''. He concluded by saying, "This is my story, your story hasn't been written yet." What encouraging words! Our story is still being formed. Someday we will have our story and we will tell it again and again to our child.
Since the training, we have been working very hard to complete all of our paperwork, and I can now say that we are 99.9% finished with it! We have also begun the home study process. Our first interview and home inspection was yesterday, and it went really well. To pass the home inspection, we had to do some baby-proofing, so we're currently living in a house with every outlet covered, and cabinets are locked. It may seem silly because we don't even have a baby yet, but someday we will and we'll know that we are bringing him or her into a safe environment. We will have a series of three more interviews, and then our social worker will write a report about us, our home, and everything and anything else relevant to us being fit and capable parents. Once her report is completed and approved, we will officially be added to the wait list, we anticipate the home study process being completed by mid-September.
Please continue praying that we would have patience throughout this process, that we would rely fulling on God and trust in his will. Also, begin praying for the birthmother; she's out there somewhere, and soon she will discover that she's going to have a baby. Pray for her and the baby and that God will bring us all together in his timing and under His circumstances.
Again, we appreciate all of your encouragement and support. It's been awesome getting texts and calls from family and friends asking how the home study interview went or how the adoption training was. You've all backed us 110% and we love and thank you for it. As the summer starts to wind down and you swap shorts for sweaters, check back here or look on Facebook, because we will be rolling out a Christmas-themed fundraiser that will help us work toward our next financial goal. Our first financial goal was met largely due to your generosity and willingness to become active participants in our adoption story. We thank you all.
Friday, July 22, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
God is Good, I'm an Idiot, and Other Truths I've Learned on this Journey
Summer is (almost) upon us, and with the sunshine, comes an eagerness, anticipation, and hopefulness that someday soon our lives will be forever changed with a son or daughter. So...drum roll, please...We have officially begun the process of finding our baby! We have submitted our first round of paperwork, which consisted of mostly contracts and confidentiality agreements. We have been so blessed with wonderful friends and a support system throughout this entire process. When we realized that we would need to have our documents notarized, I immediately texted a friend who has already adopted once and is in the process to adopt again. She referred me to her friend who has become a notary public specifically to notarize adoption documents. She notarizes free-of-charge in her home to help couples like us make the process a little easier. This may seem small, but for us, it was amazing. It helped us get the paperwork in sooner and we saved money. God is at work even in the smaller details of adoption! It furthers our understanding that adoption is His will for our lives.
We have also begun our second round of paperwork that includes our Faith statements and references. Since we are using a Christian agency, they have requested that we share with them a little about our Faith journey, background, church involvement, and plans for raising our child. Jeff and I have been individually working on our statements and hope to have them finalized and submitted very soon. We have also found several people who are willing to provide us with character references. Again, we are so blessed with the amount of support around us. From our families to our co-workers, from our church family to friends, everyone has been absolutely wonderful.
I did have an appointment with my doctor a few days ago, and I received a clean bill of health. My medicine has really improved my symptoms and I am feeling great. She did, however, suggest that I see a genetic councilor since there is a history of ovarian cancer in my family. Apparently, the councilor will be able to look at my family history and run some tests to see if I am also a carrier of the gene that causes breast and ovarian cancers. I'm not going to lie, it's a little intimidating. When I got off the phone with my doctor, the fear immediately set in. What if I am a carrier of the gene? How will that affect my life? Is it better not to know than to know and worry? You would think after all I've been through I would know better. You would think I would know to immediately cast all my fears on God and relinquish all my control to Him. I, however, am an idiot. Time and time again I get nervous and worried and scared and I try to combat those fears myself. Idiot. My prayer is that I would immediately, without hesitation or delay, lean on God and realize that I cannot do this on my own.
But God knows me so well. In those moments right after the phone call when I was floundering, He reminded me that he's in control. My phone beeped and right then we received an email from our adoption agency letting us know that our preliminary application had been processed and we can now move on to the formal application! God is indeed in control!
We are also extremely close to reaching our first financial goal. Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to donate to our adoption fund. Family, friends, friends of friends, and even strangers have given us support. And thank you to everyone who has been and continues to pray for us. It means so much and it truly makes a difference!
Now that we've officially begun the process of adopting and now that I'm just one week away from summer vacation, I will hopefully be able to update the blog more frequently. Thank you for reading and praying and sending your words of encouragement to us. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." Thank you for being there for us.
I did have an appointment with my doctor a few days ago, and I received a clean bill of health. My medicine has really improved my symptoms and I am feeling great. She did, however, suggest that I see a genetic councilor since there is a history of ovarian cancer in my family. Apparently, the councilor will be able to look at my family history and run some tests to see if I am also a carrier of the gene that causes breast and ovarian cancers. I'm not going to lie, it's a little intimidating. When I got off the phone with my doctor, the fear immediately set in. What if I am a carrier of the gene? How will that affect my life? Is it better not to know than to know and worry? You would think after all I've been through I would know better. You would think I would know to immediately cast all my fears on God and relinquish all my control to Him. I, however, am an idiot. Time and time again I get nervous and worried and scared and I try to combat those fears myself. Idiot. My prayer is that I would immediately, without hesitation or delay, lean on God and realize that I cannot do this on my own.
But God knows me so well. In those moments right after the phone call when I was floundering, He reminded me that he's in control. My phone beeped and right then we received an email from our adoption agency letting us know that our preliminary application had been processed and we can now move on to the formal application! God is indeed in control!
We are also extremely close to reaching our first financial goal. Thank you so much to everyone who has reached out to donate to our adoption fund. Family, friends, friends of friends, and even strangers have given us support. And thank you to everyone who has been and continues to pray for us. It means so much and it truly makes a difference!
Now that we've officially begun the process of adopting and now that I'm just one week away from summer vacation, I will hopefully be able to update the blog more frequently. Thank you for reading and praying and sending your words of encouragement to us. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up." Thank you for being there for us.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Dancing in the Sunshine After the Rain
Hello all. I know I have neglected blogging for a while, and to be completely honest, it's because there really is nothing new to say. But now that spring has officially sprung, we are closer than ever to putting ink to paper and submitting our paperwork! Our goal is to have the initial application finished by June 1. We chose that date for a few reasons. One - it's practical. School will almost be over, and thus we can devote our full attention to the adoption process. Two - it's special. This year, on June 1, we will be celebrating our third anniversary as husband and wife. And what better way to celebrate than to submit paperwork that will eventually lead us to our baby!
In the meantime, we have begun the next phase of fundraising: garage/yard sales. My dad and step-mom will be hosting a garage sale on , May 13 and 14. If you live in the New Castle area and want their address, you can contact me through email, FB messenger, or text. Friends and family have graciously donated items for them to sale, and all the proceeds will go directly toward our adoption. My mom and step-dad will also host a yard sale this summer, and likewise, they have also received a generous amount of donated items. Jeff's parents have already contributed by hosting a table at their church's rummage sale. When school is over, in late June, Jeff and I will have our own yard sale. If you live near our parents or us, please consider checking out our sales. I will provide updates when we know particular dates. If you don't live close, though, please consider praying for these events. We are hoping to raise some money, but also this is a great time to witness to neighbors and share what the Lord is doing in our lives. Pray that we might be a light to our communities.
The last few weeks have been a little challenging for me. My heart has been a little heavier than normal and I've been thinking about the ifs. I'm sure you've heard of the ifs - If I could do this, If that had happened, If I looked like this, etc. When Jeff and I first started family planning, we had envisioned an April/May baby so that my maternity leave would flow right into summer vacation. It's easy to get sad when the calendar says May and my body still says no baby. If only...
And I have moments like that - real, raw moments where I am just consumed with grief. This past Sunday was Mother's Day; for me, it was a sad day. Sure, I got to celebrate the special ladies in my life and I got to thank my mom for all she does for me, but I still felt empty. I get sad. I get mad. But I'm learning to rebound (better). As we approach our adoption commencement, I'm also leaving bits of sadness behind me and replacing those spots with hope. Hope is beautiful. Hope is what I cling to.
When I was a junior in college, I studied abroad in England. My friends and I took many weekend excursions to other cities and countries, and so, as we waited around bus depots and train stations, to keep boredom from settling in, we would ask each other interesting questions: If you were stranded on a deserted island and could take two people with you, who would you take? If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you eat? Etc. Once, the question was posed: If you wrote an autobiography, what would you title it? We all spent a good deal of thought on the question, and finally we went around the circle answering it. I said, Dancing in the Sunshine After the Rain. Throughout the years, I have returned to that phrase: dancing in the sunshine after the rain. To me, it means that I've made it through the tragedy, made it through adversity, the storm is behind me and it's beautiful skies from here on out. But, the weather of my life seems more consistent with a Northern Virginia winter. One day it's 60 degrees and sunny, the next it's 40 and raining, then negative 5 and a blizzard. Yup, that's my life - all over the place. So, I've had to rethink my book title, not necessarily to change the wording, but to change the meaning. See, in this world, on this earth, I can never dance in the sunshine without fear of rain. Rain will always come. But, in Heaven, I will be dancing for all eternity in the SONshine - He will provide the light of Heaven; He means there will be no more sorrow; He died so that I never have to face rain alone again.
So even though some days are gloomy, and even though the storm rages around me, I know I can withstand it because He is with me. Matthew 14 says:
As we enter into this season of adoption, please continue to pray for our family. Pray that God has something big planned for us. Pray that we would continue to do His will and seek His face in all things.
Many Blessings,
Sara
In the meantime, we have begun the next phase of fundraising: garage/yard sales. My dad and step-mom will be hosting a garage sale on , May 13 and 14. If you live in the New Castle area and want their address, you can contact me through email, FB messenger, or text. Friends and family have graciously donated items for them to sale, and all the proceeds will go directly toward our adoption. My mom and step-dad will also host a yard sale this summer, and likewise, they have also received a generous amount of donated items. Jeff's parents have already contributed by hosting a table at their church's rummage sale. When school is over, in late June, Jeff and I will have our own yard sale. If you live near our parents or us, please consider checking out our sales. I will provide updates when we know particular dates. If you don't live close, though, please consider praying for these events. We are hoping to raise some money, but also this is a great time to witness to neighbors and share what the Lord is doing in our lives. Pray that we might be a light to our communities.
The last few weeks have been a little challenging for me. My heart has been a little heavier than normal and I've been thinking about the ifs. I'm sure you've heard of the ifs - If I could do this, If that had happened, If I looked like this, etc. When Jeff and I first started family planning, we had envisioned an April/May baby so that my maternity leave would flow right into summer vacation. It's easy to get sad when the calendar says May and my body still says no baby. If only...
And I have moments like that - real, raw moments where I am just consumed with grief. This past Sunday was Mother's Day; for me, it was a sad day. Sure, I got to celebrate the special ladies in my life and I got to thank my mom for all she does for me, but I still felt empty. I get sad. I get mad. But I'm learning to rebound (better). As we approach our adoption commencement, I'm also leaving bits of sadness behind me and replacing those spots with hope. Hope is beautiful. Hope is what I cling to.
When I was a junior in college, I studied abroad in England. My friends and I took many weekend excursions to other cities and countries, and so, as we waited around bus depots and train stations, to keep boredom from settling in, we would ask each other interesting questions: If you were stranded on a deserted island and could take two people with you, who would you take? If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would you eat? Etc. Once, the question was posed: If you wrote an autobiography, what would you title it? We all spent a good deal of thought on the question, and finally we went around the circle answering it. I said, Dancing in the Sunshine After the Rain. Throughout the years, I have returned to that phrase: dancing in the sunshine after the rain. To me, it means that I've made it through the tragedy, made it through adversity, the storm is behind me and it's beautiful skies from here on out. But, the weather of my life seems more consistent with a Northern Virginia winter. One day it's 60 degrees and sunny, the next it's 40 and raining, then negative 5 and a blizzard. Yup, that's my life - all over the place. So, I've had to rethink my book title, not necessarily to change the wording, but to change the meaning. See, in this world, on this earth, I can never dance in the sunshine without fear of rain. Rain will always come. But, in Heaven, I will be dancing for all eternity in the SONshine - He will provide the light of Heaven; He means there will be no more sorrow; He died so that I never have to face rain alone again.
So even though some days are gloomy, and even though the storm rages around me, I know I can withstand it because He is with me. Matthew 14 says:
So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, "Lord, save me." Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him saying to him, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."Eventually, I know God will cease the winds around me, but in the meantime, I will keep my eyes fixed on Him.
As we enter into this season of adoption, please continue to pray for our family. Pray that God has something big planned for us. Pray that we would continue to do His will and seek His face in all things.
Many Blessings,
Sara
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Week 4: The Elephant in the Blog
Dear Adoption Community,
It's time to get real. Not that I haven't been real so far, it's just that, well, I've let you in on the exciting details of adoption - the joys, hopes, and dreams we have as soon-to-be adoptive parents. The truth is, we're experiencing all of this excitement now, but before arriving here, we had months of agonizing despair and heartache. As we announced our adoption plans to friends and family, I was definitely wondering in the back of my mind if people would ask us why were were adopting. Surprisingly, not one person did. Now granted, our families already knew our struggles, but everyone has just been so gracious, sensitive, and "un-nosy." We appreciate it so much.
So, I thought that would get me off the hook. No one asked; I didn't have to tell. But after weeks of blogging and completing our first successful fundraiser, I feel like I owe it to you to tell the story before the story -the months leading up to this blog.
Even before we were married in June 2013, Jeff and I had a plan for having children: we would wait two years, and then have a baby. We would spend those two years enjoying our time together, getting settled in our careers, and purchasing our first home. Easy-peasy, right? It was at first. We did move to Northern Virginia, a place we love. We are both teachers teaching in amazing schools and are really satisfied with our careers. We even bought our first house and invited a chocolate lab named Sherlock to live with us. We were sailing. The obvious next step was to have a baby. That was our plan and we were sticking to it. But that's just it, it was our plan, not God's. He unstuck us pretty quickly.
Okay, enough stalling. Here it goes. Deep breath.
When we first started trying to get pregnant and each month ended without a positive test, I didn't think anything of it. These things take time. And, according to all kinds of online pregnancy and baby websites, it can take a long time. I wasn't concerned at all. Impatient, yes. Concerned, no. In August 2015, though, something changed. My appetite had increased, I was beyond moody, and tired all the time. We just knew I had to be pregnant. We waited patiently (well, as patient as possible) for two weeks before I could take a HPT (that's a home pregnancy test for those of you who don't frequent pregnancy websites as much as I do, or did). To our surprise, though, the test came back negative. That just couldn't be. Something was definitely different with me. After another week and several negative tests, I made an appointment with the doctor. Blood work later confirmed that I indeed was not pregnant. We were shocked and confused. But, at least in my mind, I still thought somehow I could be pregnant.
Fast forward 12 weeks, and I was definitely gaining weight. What is going on? They told me I'm not pregnant, but now I'm starting to get a little belly and my jeans don't fit. Once more, I thought I was pregnant. I went back to the doctor (a different doctor). She listened intently to all of my symptoms and then said, "I just don't like this at all." That was the first time I actually thought that something could be wrong. I had been so concentrated on pregnancy and babies that I hadn't even considered my own health.
She sent me to get blood work (the first of many). They took so many tubes of blood. I was light-headed afterward, so Jeff took me for a donut. He made me eat three. I guess every cloud has a silver lining.
Monday, November 23. I never check my phone at school; I keep it locked in my closet. I also never get voicemails. After school, I checked my phone and I had a voicemail from the doctor. She said she was staying late and would call me at 6:00 PM that she needed to go over my results with me. I knew that something had to be wrong because if everything was OK, she would have said 'everything's OK' in the voicemail. I immediately called my mom. She tried to shrug it off, but I knew she was worried too.
I usually go right home after school, but that night I was meeting Jeff and Sherlock at the vet. Promptly, at 6:00, my doctor called. I excused myself from the waiting room of the vet's office and stepped outside where it was just starting to sprinkle. Completely alone, besides the calming voice on the other end of the phone, I listened to what she had to say. I don't know how I responded to her, or if I even said anything. I might have asked a question or two - futilely because I have no idea what her answers were. All I heard was this, "You have Premature Ovarian Failure, a rare disorder in which the body is tricked into thinking your going through menopause. The likelihood of pregnancy is very slim."
All of the weight gain, mood swings, hot flashes, appetite changes - none of it was pregnancy. It was menopause. I'm 27 years old. I'm healthy. I take really good care of my body.
Crying hysterically, I couldn't return to the office, I just went and sat in the car. It started to rain harder...I think. I was pretty out of it. I cried and cried and cried and I started to hyperventilate. I experienced shock once before, so I knew what was happening. I called my mom to talk me through it. I couldn't even tell her the news for several minutes. Once I finally did, we wept together.
Jeff finally came out of the vet's office, and I told him I would tell him at home. We had driven separately and I didn't want him to get in an accident on the way. Truthfully, I didn't want to tell him. I wanted to rewind the clock to the days when we thought we were pregnant. Now, I would have to tell him that was probably never going to happen for us.
Once home, we huddled on the kitchen floor in one big weepy mess. We called our parents and told them to pass on the news to our extended families - after all, we would see everyone in just three days for Thanksgiving.
The next few days I honestly can't remember. I slept a lot. I even fell asleep at Jeff's family's Thanksgiving get-together. It was a coping mechanism. I didn't want to face reality, so I slept. It also didn't help that no one mentioned it. We knew everyone knew, but all day Thanksgiving no one said anything. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. At the time I didn't understand why people weren't saying anything - why they were acting like business as usual. Then it hit me - people don't know what to say. What would I say if I knew someone had just been given this news? I probably would have been just as awkward as everyone else. I can't and don't blame them. I remember emailing the ladies of our home group and filling them in on the details as the news broke. One of the girls responded and said, "These topics can sometimes keep us from reaching out thinking it makes others uncomfortable." At first I didn't know what she meant. But she's right, people do get extremely uncomfortable when the word infertility is used. It's just how we are.
Isn't it amazing that just when I was told I couldn't have a baby, the entire world seemed to be getting pregnant? I know that's not entirely the truth, but boy did it feel that way. I was so emotionally fragile. I had to stop wearing mascara to church - every week there was a song or sermon that touched my tender heart. One Sunday there was a baby dedication. I watched as squirmy babies clung to their mommies and daddies and my heart broke. I just cried and cried. If you've never experienced this, then you probably think I was being very ugly - crying over someone else's happiness. I can assure you, that is the farthest thing from the truth. I was just overcome with grief. It was a loss - it felt like someone had died.
Eventually we went to a specialist. A renowned doctor who specializes in POF. He was fantastic. After many more tests though, it was revealed that egg donor or adoption were our only options. I didn't hesitate. I wanted to adopt. Friends of ours in home group had adopted and I felt then as I do now that they were put in our path for a reason. I hope to blog more about our home group and what they've meant to us on this journey later - it's amazing what God can do and how he does it!
God's plan for our lives was adoption the entire time. He could have easily steered us in that direction without all the heartache and grief, but He didn't. Our Faith has grown tremendously throughout the last several months. The Bible says, Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that he testings of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." We have had to rely on Him to pull us through. Our marriage has strengthened. I have JOY - unspeakable JOY every day. I can't even explain to you why I feel so joyful, but I do and it's because my Lord and Savior has given me a story to tell. Someday He will give us a baby. I know now to rely on Him and His goodness.
There are two songs that have really spoken to me during my season of grief. I invite you to listen to them - they are powerful, powerful songs.
It's time to get real. Not that I haven't been real so far, it's just that, well, I've let you in on the exciting details of adoption - the joys, hopes, and dreams we have as soon-to-be adoptive parents. The truth is, we're experiencing all of this excitement now, but before arriving here, we had months of agonizing despair and heartache. As we announced our adoption plans to friends and family, I was definitely wondering in the back of my mind if people would ask us why were were adopting. Surprisingly, not one person did. Now granted, our families already knew our struggles, but everyone has just been so gracious, sensitive, and "un-nosy." We appreciate it so much.
So, I thought that would get me off the hook. No one asked; I didn't have to tell. But after weeks of blogging and completing our first successful fundraiser, I feel like I owe it to you to tell the story before the story -the months leading up to this blog.
Even before we were married in June 2013, Jeff and I had a plan for having children: we would wait two years, and then have a baby. We would spend those two years enjoying our time together, getting settled in our careers, and purchasing our first home. Easy-peasy, right? It was at first. We did move to Northern Virginia, a place we love. We are both teachers teaching in amazing schools and are really satisfied with our careers. We even bought our first house and invited a chocolate lab named Sherlock to live with us. We were sailing. The obvious next step was to have a baby. That was our plan and we were sticking to it. But that's just it, it was our plan, not God's. He unstuck us pretty quickly.
Okay, enough stalling. Here it goes. Deep breath.
When we first started trying to get pregnant and each month ended without a positive test, I didn't think anything of it. These things take time. And, according to all kinds of online pregnancy and baby websites, it can take a long time. I wasn't concerned at all. Impatient, yes. Concerned, no. In August 2015, though, something changed. My appetite had increased, I was beyond moody, and tired all the time. We just knew I had to be pregnant. We waited patiently (well, as patient as possible) for two weeks before I could take a HPT (that's a home pregnancy test for those of you who don't frequent pregnancy websites as much as I do, or did). To our surprise, though, the test came back negative. That just couldn't be. Something was definitely different with me. After another week and several negative tests, I made an appointment with the doctor. Blood work later confirmed that I indeed was not pregnant. We were shocked and confused. But, at least in my mind, I still thought somehow I could be pregnant.
Fast forward 12 weeks, and I was definitely gaining weight. What is going on? They told me I'm not pregnant, but now I'm starting to get a little belly and my jeans don't fit. Once more, I thought I was pregnant. I went back to the doctor (a different doctor). She listened intently to all of my symptoms and then said, "I just don't like this at all." That was the first time I actually thought that something could be wrong. I had been so concentrated on pregnancy and babies that I hadn't even considered my own health.
She sent me to get blood work (the first of many). They took so many tubes of blood. I was light-headed afterward, so Jeff took me for a donut. He made me eat three. I guess every cloud has a silver lining.
Monday, November 23. I never check my phone at school; I keep it locked in my closet. I also never get voicemails. After school, I checked my phone and I had a voicemail from the doctor. She said she was staying late and would call me at 6:00 PM that she needed to go over my results with me. I knew that something had to be wrong because if everything was OK, she would have said 'everything's OK' in the voicemail. I immediately called my mom. She tried to shrug it off, but I knew she was worried too.
I usually go right home after school, but that night I was meeting Jeff and Sherlock at the vet. Promptly, at 6:00, my doctor called. I excused myself from the waiting room of the vet's office and stepped outside where it was just starting to sprinkle. Completely alone, besides the calming voice on the other end of the phone, I listened to what she had to say. I don't know how I responded to her, or if I even said anything. I might have asked a question or two - futilely because I have no idea what her answers were. All I heard was this, "You have Premature Ovarian Failure, a rare disorder in which the body is tricked into thinking your going through menopause. The likelihood of pregnancy is very slim."
All of the weight gain, mood swings, hot flashes, appetite changes - none of it was pregnancy. It was menopause. I'm 27 years old. I'm healthy. I take really good care of my body.
Crying hysterically, I couldn't return to the office, I just went and sat in the car. It started to rain harder...I think. I was pretty out of it. I cried and cried and cried and I started to hyperventilate. I experienced shock once before, so I knew what was happening. I called my mom to talk me through it. I couldn't even tell her the news for several minutes. Once I finally did, we wept together.
Jeff finally came out of the vet's office, and I told him I would tell him at home. We had driven separately and I didn't want him to get in an accident on the way. Truthfully, I didn't want to tell him. I wanted to rewind the clock to the days when we thought we were pregnant. Now, I would have to tell him that was probably never going to happen for us.
Once home, we huddled on the kitchen floor in one big weepy mess. We called our parents and told them to pass on the news to our extended families - after all, we would see everyone in just three days for Thanksgiving.
The next few days I honestly can't remember. I slept a lot. I even fell asleep at Jeff's family's Thanksgiving get-together. It was a coping mechanism. I didn't want to face reality, so I slept. It also didn't help that no one mentioned it. We knew everyone knew, but all day Thanksgiving no one said anything. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. At the time I didn't understand why people weren't saying anything - why they were acting like business as usual. Then it hit me - people don't know what to say. What would I say if I knew someone had just been given this news? I probably would have been just as awkward as everyone else. I can't and don't blame them. I remember emailing the ladies of our home group and filling them in on the details as the news broke. One of the girls responded and said, "These topics can sometimes keep us from reaching out thinking it makes others uncomfortable." At first I didn't know what she meant. But she's right, people do get extremely uncomfortable when the word infertility is used. It's just how we are.
Isn't it amazing that just when I was told I couldn't have a baby, the entire world seemed to be getting pregnant? I know that's not entirely the truth, but boy did it feel that way. I was so emotionally fragile. I had to stop wearing mascara to church - every week there was a song or sermon that touched my tender heart. One Sunday there was a baby dedication. I watched as squirmy babies clung to their mommies and daddies and my heart broke. I just cried and cried. If you've never experienced this, then you probably think I was being very ugly - crying over someone else's happiness. I can assure you, that is the farthest thing from the truth. I was just overcome with grief. It was a loss - it felt like someone had died.
Eventually we went to a specialist. A renowned doctor who specializes in POF. He was fantastic. After many more tests though, it was revealed that egg donor or adoption were our only options. I didn't hesitate. I wanted to adopt. Friends of ours in home group had adopted and I felt then as I do now that they were put in our path for a reason. I hope to blog more about our home group and what they've meant to us on this journey later - it's amazing what God can do and how he does it!
God's plan for our lives was adoption the entire time. He could have easily steered us in that direction without all the heartache and grief, but He didn't. Our Faith has grown tremendously throughout the last several months. The Bible says, Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that he testings of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." We have had to rely on Him to pull us through. Our marriage has strengthened. I have JOY - unspeakable JOY every day. I can't even explain to you why I feel so joyful, but I do and it's because my Lord and Savior has given me a story to tell. Someday He will give us a baby. I know now to rely on Him and His goodness.
There are two songs that have really spoken to me during my season of grief. I invite you to listen to them - they are powerful, powerful songs.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Week 3
Dear Adoption Community,
Thank you to everyone who has purchased a t-shirt! Our first fundraiser has gotten off to a great start with at least 33 shirts sold! Again, if you are interested in purchasing one, you can see the details on Facebook or on the blog post from Week 2. I'm not placing the order until March 1, so you still have time to buy one if you'd like.
Our next step is finding an adoption agency. Jeff and I have been praying daily that God would lead us to the right agency and put Godly people in our path who have our, our future baby's, and the birthmother's best interests in mind. This Tuesday, we will be attending an informational session at an adoption agency (I've decided not to mention them by name until after we've chosen one) that has a branch in the D.C. area. We are really excited for this meeting! This is just another step closer in meeting our baby. We are also considering another agency that is not in the local area; however, we have received great information and a glowing review from friends who have used that agency to adopt one baby and are beginning the process again! We definitely have our work cut out for us when it comes to making this choice, and we pray that God will make it clear to us where we need to be.
Jeff and I are also in the midst of making other very important, and sometimes even scary, decisions about our baby. We've decided that, just like with pregnancy, we do not want to choose a gender. Whatever God's will is for our family, we're okay with that. So we may end up with a little girl or a little boy or even twins (yes, we're checking the box that says we'd welcome twins into the family!). The "not knowing" makes it even more exciting!
Other decisions that haven't been so easy for us have dealt with race, special needs, and exposure to alcohol and/or drugs prior to birth. To be honest, we don't have all the answers right now. We're praying very hard about each of these decisions and seeking council from our families, other couples who have adopted, and even medical professionals. Many times when we begin talking about race or babies who have special challenges, it's uncomfortable to say the least, and ugly at worst. I've had thoughts like: "Am I being racist?" "Shouldn't we accept all children into our home?" "I don't want the agency to think we're snobbish if we don't check all the boxes." The truth that I'm learning to accept now is that Jeff and I just simply aren't equipped to deal with all levels of need. And that's okay...I think. I'm still working through all of this. For instance, we know that after the baby is born and my maternity leave is up, I will have to go back to work. On two teachers' salaries, living in the suburbs of D.C., being a stay-at-home-mom just isn't an option for us right now (who knows what God has in store down the road). So, we've determined that adopting a child with severe special needs probably isn't in the best interest of the child. Again, we're still working through all of this. Pray that we would have clarity and guidance as we make these tough, tough choices regarding our future baby.
As we inch closer to putting ink on paper by completing applications and paperwork, I can honestly say that I feel like an expectant momma. My heart is so full and eager to meet our baby. I know it will take months, possibly years until that day arrives, but when it does...my oh my, what a special occasion that will be. I can't even imagine how I will feel. My eyes are watering now just thinking of it. One thing is for certain, that child will be loved.
Many Blessings,
Sara & Jeff
How you can pray for us this week
Pray that we would be led to the agency that God wants us to use. Also, pray that as we make important decisions, we would listen to what God is saying and that His will be done.Isaiah 43:5-7
Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.' Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth - everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, who I formed and made.
Isaiah 43:18-19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.Monday, February 8, 2016
Week 2
Dear Adoption Community,
Jeff and I have been completely overwhelmed (in a very positive way) by the amount of support we have received since announcing our plans to adopt. We are truly grateful for your encouraging words, reassurance, and hugs! It has also been wonderful hearing stories of how adoption has effected your lives. I had no idea that it has touched so many people. It's been an inspiration to hear such positive stories about adoption from families who have adopted and from individuals who were blessed by being adopted. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us and letting us know that we're not alone.
If you missed our Facebook announcement, here is our chocolate lab, Sherlock, doing the honors:
*Not pictured: 173 failed attempts of an 9-month-old lab puppy running in and out of the frame.
We are also excited to announce our first fundraiser! We will be selling t-shirts now through the end of February. They are Hanes Tagless, 100% cotton, crewneck white t-shirts. The have been pre-shrunk, so keep that in mind when you choose your size. The sizes run from youth extra small up to 4XL. We are selling each shirt for $12.00. If you are interested in purchasing one (or multiple), please email me, message me on Facebook, text or call me with your size preference, and I will reply with our address so you can mail us your check (if you're a friend who lives far away). I plan to place the order on March 1 and shirts should arrive in mid-March. I will then contact you about distribution. I created the shirt, pictured below, using Custom Ink. Please note, the "do your part" is written in maroon even though it looks pink on some computers. The shirts are gender-neutral.
For those of you who don't know us personally, or are just curious as to where your money will go or how Jeff and I are preparing for the adoption, I would like to take some time to tell you. First, please don't ever feel pressured to donate. Some people will be called to help us financially and some won't. And that's okay! Perhaps there is another cause to which you give charitably; God places within us different desires. We do ask that you keep us in your prayers, though, as we go through the adoption process. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective."
Jeff and I have been working extremely hard to save our own resources for adoption, but on two teachers' salaries, it's a challenge. To provide us with additional income, Jeff has taught an extra class this year by giving up a planning period, and in March, I will begin teaching an evening class. I also hope to have the opportunity to teach summer school again, but that's based on need and availability. We never want to give anyone the impression that we are sitting idly while we wait on the generosity of others.
I must admit, at first, I felt a little awkward about fundraising for our adoption. After all, if I was pregnant, I wouldn't expect people to help us with our medical bills. However, after our struggle with infertility and the unspeakable sadness and goes along with that, we knew that if we were to make adoption a reality for us, we would have to swallow our pride and organize a few fundraisers. I also began reaching out to other families who successfully raised the funds to bring their baby home. It seems that this is a very normal and accepted way to tackle the expense of adoption. We also know that if we are truly being called by God to adopt, he will provide for us, even if that means relying on the generosity of others. Jeremiah 29:11 encourages us by saying,"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
To address some specifics as to where your money will go, I can give a general overview, but each adoption is like a snowflake; it's unique. It's difficult to say exactly what expenses will arise once we begin, but here are some things we know. Once we select an agency and are approved to adopt, we will need to conduct a home study and file background clearances. After we are "matched" with a birthmother, we will begin paying for her expenses. Many people, after first hearing this, think it's weird that we would pay for her medical bills, and in some cases, cost of living expenses. But think of it this way: this woman loves her baby so much that she is willing to give him or her up. Can you imagine? What sacrificial love. So yes, if that special lady wants extra money for better nutrition, you better believe Jeff and I will ensure she is comfortable and healthy while she carries our child. Then, once the baby is born, we will owe the remaining balance. Travel and other unforeseen expenses could also arise during the process. As we get deeper into the adoption process, I can let you know more specifics.
Again, my intention is to be as transparent as possible. If you ever have any questions, please contact Jeff or I.
Many Blessings,
Sara & Jeff
How you can pray for us this week:
Please pray as we roll-out our t-shirt fundraiser that we would get a good response. Also, continue praying that we would be led to the agency God would have for us.
Luke 18:16
But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Week 1
Dear Adoption Community,
That's right, you are now part of our adoption community! We really appreciate you taking the time to read our little blog, so that officially makes you part of our adoption story. Welcome aboard!
This has been a really exciting week for Jeff and I as we have officially announced our plans to adopt! God has really placed in our hearts a passion for adoption over the last few months, and after having a week off from school because of "Snowzilla," and talking and praying about adoption every day, we decided that God was leading us in that direction. We called our families who immediately gave us their support and encouragement. I told my best girlfriend and our friends at our home group and even a few co-workers. Everyone is just so excited!
I can honestly say, that before this fall, the idea of expanding our family through adoption never really occurred to me. I saw my friends announcing pregnancies and posting pictures of newborns on social media and just assumed that we would eventually do the same. God, however, decided to take us in another direction. All that we've been through these last few months has been difficult and challenging and I've probably shed more tears than I ever have, but God has been in control the entire time. Our Faith has increased tremendously, we have grown much closer as a couple, and now we have been blessed with the excitement of adoption. God is so good!
So, as we begin this adventure, we welcome you to take it with us. I intend to blog weekly providing you with our adoption status updates, prayer requests, and verses that have touched our hearts. We humbly ask for your support with your prayer and your encouraging words. We also ask that you begin prayerfully considering donating to our adoption fund. Adoption is, to put it bluntly, expensive. We will be conducting a variety of fundraisers over the next several months to help us with the costs associated with adoption, and we would be so touched if you decided to invest in our future family.
Many Blessings,
Sara & Jeff
How you can pray for us this week:
Please pray that God would lead us to the right adoption agency and social worker. Pray that as we begin making important decisions as to the type of adoption we will pursue, we make wise and Godly decisions. Pray that we would have strength and courage as we begin this journey.
Psalm 113:9
"He settles the childless woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord."
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