Week 4: The Elephant in the Blog

Dear Adoption Community,

It's time to get real. Not that I haven't been real so far, it's just that, well, I've let you in on the exciting details of adoption - the joys, hopes, and dreams we have as soon-to-be adoptive parents. The truth is, we're experiencing all of this excitement now, but before arriving here, we had months of agonizing despair and heartache. As we announced our adoption plans to friends and family, I was definitely wondering in the back of my mind if people would ask us why were were adopting. Surprisingly, not one person did. Now granted, our families already knew our struggles, but everyone has just been so gracious, sensitive, and "un-nosy." We appreciate it so much.

So, I thought that would get me off the hook. No one asked; I didn't have to tell. But after weeks of blogging and completing our first successful fundraiser, I feel like I owe it to you to tell the story before the story -the months leading up to this blog.

Even before we were married in June 2013, Jeff and I had a plan for having children: we would wait two years, and then have a baby. We would spend those two years enjoying our time together, getting settled in our careers, and purchasing our first home. Easy-peasy, right? It was at first. We did move to Northern Virginia, a place we love. We are both teachers teaching in amazing schools and are really satisfied with our careers. We even bought our first house and invited a chocolate lab named Sherlock to live with us. We were sailing. The obvious next step was to have a baby. That was our plan and we were sticking to it. But that's just it, it was our plan, not God's. He unstuck us pretty quickly.

Okay, enough stalling. Here it goes. Deep breath.

When we first started trying to get pregnant and each month ended without a positive test, I didn't think anything of it. These things take time. And, according to all kinds of online pregnancy and baby websites, it can take a long time. I wasn't concerned at all. Impatient, yes. Concerned, no. In August 2015, though, something changed. My appetite had increased, I was beyond moody, and tired all the time. We just knew I had to be pregnant. We waited patiently (well, as patient as possible) for two weeks before I could take a HPT (that's a home pregnancy test for those of you who don't frequent pregnancy websites as much as I do, or did). To our surprise, though, the test came back negative. That just couldn't be. Something was definitely different with me. After another week and several negative tests, I made an appointment with the doctor. Blood work later confirmed that I indeed was not pregnant. We were shocked and confused. But, at least in my mind, I still thought somehow I could be pregnant.

Fast forward 12 weeks, and I was definitely gaining weight. What is going on? They told me I'm not pregnant, but now I'm starting to get a little belly and my jeans don't fit. Once more, I thought I was pregnant. I went back to the doctor (a different doctor). She listened intently to all of my symptoms and then said, "I just don't like this at all." That was the first time I actually thought that something could be wrong. I had been so concentrated on pregnancy and babies that I hadn't even considered my own health.

She sent me to get blood work (the first of many). They took so many tubes of blood. I was light-headed afterward, so Jeff took me for a donut. He made me eat three. I guess every cloud has a silver lining.

Monday, November 23. I never check my phone at school; I keep it locked in my closet. I also never get voicemails. After school, I checked my phone and I had a voicemail from the doctor. She said she was staying late and would call me at 6:00 PM that she needed to go over my results with me. I knew that something had to be wrong because if everything was OK, she would have said 'everything's OK' in the voicemail. I immediately called my mom. She tried to shrug it off, but I knew she was worried too.

I usually go right home after school, but that night I was meeting Jeff and Sherlock at the vet. Promptly, at 6:00, my doctor called. I excused myself from the waiting room of the vet's office and stepped outside where it was just starting to sprinkle. Completely alone, besides the calming voice on the other end of the phone, I listened to what she had to say. I don't know how I responded to her, or if I even said anything. I might have asked a question or two - futilely because I have no idea what her answers were. All I heard was this, "You have Premature Ovarian Failure, a rare disorder in which the body is tricked into thinking your going through menopause. The likelihood of pregnancy is very slim."

All of the weight gain, mood swings, hot flashes, appetite changes - none of it was pregnancy. It was menopause. I'm 27 years old. I'm healthy. I take really good care of my body.

Crying hysterically, I couldn't return to the office, I just went and sat in the car. It started to rain harder...I think. I was pretty out of it. I cried and cried and cried and I started to hyperventilate. I experienced shock once before, so I knew what was happening. I called my mom to talk me through it. I couldn't even tell her the news for several minutes. Once I finally did, we wept together.

Jeff finally came out of the vet's office, and I told him I would tell him at home. We had driven separately and I didn't want him to get in an accident on the way. Truthfully, I didn't want to tell him. I wanted to rewind the clock to the days when we thought we were pregnant. Now, I would have to tell him that was probably never going to happen for us.

Once home, we huddled on the kitchen floor in one big weepy mess. We called our parents and told them to pass on the news to our extended families - after all, we would see everyone in just three days for Thanksgiving.

The next few days I honestly can't remember. I slept a lot. I even fell asleep at Jeff's family's Thanksgiving get-together. It was a coping mechanism. I didn't want to face reality, so I slept. It also didn't help that no one mentioned it. We knew everyone knew, but all day Thanksgiving no one said anything. I've never felt so alone in my entire life. At the time I didn't understand why people weren't saying anything - why they were acting like business as usual. Then it hit me - people don't know what to say. What would I say if I knew someone had just been given this news? I probably would have been just as awkward as everyone else. I can't and don't blame them.  I remember emailing the ladies of our home group and filling them in on the details as the news broke. One of the girls responded and said, "These topics can sometimes keep us from reaching out thinking it makes others uncomfortable." At first I didn't know what she meant. But she's right, people do get extremely uncomfortable when the word infertility is used. It's just how we are.

Isn't it amazing that just when I was told I couldn't have a baby, the entire world seemed to be getting pregnant? I know that's not entirely the truth, but boy did it feel that way. I was so emotionally fragile. I had to stop wearing mascara to church - every week there was a song or sermon that touched my tender heart. One Sunday there was a baby dedication. I watched as  squirmy babies clung to their mommies and daddies and my heart broke. I just cried and cried. If you've never experienced this, then you probably think I was being very ugly - crying over someone else's happiness. I can assure you, that is the farthest thing from the truth. I was just overcome with grief. It was a loss - it felt like someone had died.

Eventually we went to a specialist. A renowned doctor who specializes in POF. He was fantastic. After many more tests though, it was revealed that egg donor or adoption were our only options. I didn't hesitate. I wanted to adopt. Friends of ours in home group had adopted and I felt then as I do now that they were put in our path for a reason. I hope to blog more about our home group and what they've meant to us on this journey later - it's amazing what God can do and how he does it!

God's plan for our lives was adoption the entire time. He could have easily steered us in that direction without all the heartache and grief, but He didn't. Our Faith has grown tremendously throughout the last several months. The Bible says, Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that he testings of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." We have had to rely on Him to pull us through. Our marriage has strengthened. I have JOY - unspeakable JOY every day. I can't even explain to you why I feel so joyful, but I do and it's because my Lord and Savior has given me a story to tell. Someday He will give us a baby. I know now to rely on Him and His goodness.

There are two songs that have really spoken to me during my season of grief. I invite you to listen to them - they are powerful, powerful songs.